What's been going on with me lately.

It takes such a long time to really know someone, and you don't really know them until you see them in all contexts, so who do we really know? Our sisters and brothers (if we're lucky) and our lovers and partners and children. Like, take my friend. I thought I knew him well, but was surprised by certain characteristics he has in the presence of his wife. Nothing bad, you, because you know who you are. Just interesting and funny.

Iona said yesterday during another fight over practicing violin, "If you keep doing that, I might need to get a new mother!"

Well.

One reason I haven't been posting here or writing anything is that I'm doing freelance work for a friend. I got a 'job.' It is small. Working (like working for a living, or painting, or writing, or any number of things where you make stuff) is hard but it gives me the satisfied feeling of making something, and who knows where it will lead? I have to make something to know where it will go; it's the fun mystery. I mean, I bet Bill Gates used to sit in his basement in front of his homemade computer musing about the fun mystery of writing code. If I don't make it, I will never know. But I can't let work get in the way of writing. Maybe I'll start writing here every day. Something small. Because, make no mistake, this thing that I'm writing now is big.

On the subject of blogging and all things flatscreened, I've been thinking about the importance of controlling my attention via Mr Beagley. All this stuff, information, people from the old neighborhood Facebooking us, email, web surfing, television, video games, direct mail, radio, satellite radio, distraction after distraction and meanwhile, we're trying to make something or be a good parent or a good friend or sister or daughter or wife and it's all happening and we need to exercise! And make balanced meals! And help with homework! And remember to call people back once in a while! And fold the laundry! And volunteer! Sometimes it's easier to turn on HBO.

Adoption is terrifying. I mean, we got through all the race stuff, right? No! Guess what! Our baby, who might be named Miles or Coll (is that mean, to name our kid Coll after another island off the West Coast of Scotland, when teachers and other grownups will consistently call him "Cahl" and he will have to find the moxie to say, "It's [kʰɔlˠ̪ə], actually"?), is coming from a true, active patriarchal society based on Confucian principles! In other words, it's all about the first son, who is king of the world, and women are lowlier than the bellies of bondaegi (sorry to any Korean persons I am offending here; please set me straight). Granted, that whole gender supremacy stuff is one custom we will not be observing with Coll-Miles. We will, however, have Chuseok, which means I'm really going to have to get a handle on our ancestral thing because that's what it's all about. Honoring ancestors with offerings and then eating yourself silly on August 15.

I don't like wind. It has been windy here for a couple hours, and it just now died down. That whistling, blustering! It makes me feel a little like those pioneer people who were driven to do odd things (I already offended Koreans so I don't want to offend the mentally ill by writing 'crazy things') and while on the subject of pioneer people, I just want to state that I am grateful for modern conveniences like furnaces, the dishwasher, the grocery store and Netflix.

I'm so angry with Israel; who the (INSERT BAD WORD IN ALL CAPS HERE) do they think they are? Of course I don't truly understand the whole politics, history and cultures of the region, but to (BAD WORD GERUND) blow up people hiding in a school with hot shrapnel is just (BAD WORD GERUND) (BAD WORD PAST TENSE). Expletive.

I am cowardly when it comes to talking about difficult subject matter like, I know your wife left you yesterday and that must feel bad; or, I'm so sorry you have cancer and I really wish you didn't. So I say nothing and then I feel bad about that. I need to find my own moxie, apparently.

After the exhausting, fun hustle and bustle of the holidays I now wait way too eagerly for the mail.

And damn, there's the wind again.

I read a short story today by a young woman in my writing group who will probably go to Iowa for graduate school. I'm glad for her, and my lazy side says better you than me, but a big part of me is envious. She is really good. Oddly, instead of making me want to hang it up, reading her story makes me want to write again. See "working" paragraph, above.

Comments

[Douglas]

I didn't even know you read my blog. :-)

Did you know that Jana and I are also adopting from Korea? We are done with all the paperwork and awaiting a referral. I believe we are signing up for race-related issues for the rest of our lives, but when compared with the other aspects of parenting and falling in love with a child, those issues are small.

Korean culture may have gender issues, but they swing both ways. We've been given to understand that more boys are available for adoption because Korean families tend to keep daughters because they are seen as more dedicated to their families? Something something.

How far along the process are you?

[kat]

Oh! I remember that, now. Yay again!

[cc]

Kat! It's because of you! You found out we were both adopting and connected me to his blog, which I enjoy regularly. Good luck with your move.

[kat]

Even though it seems odd, for some reason this whole entry makes me want to say, "yay!"

Also, how do you know Mr. Beagley? He's in my writing group! (Though I haven't been in months and months and can hardly call it "mine" anymore.)